Video: Yoga B#tch by Del Nel: Delia Brown (Halarious!!!)

Verse 1:
Urdva Mukha, Adho Mukha, stay present
The patchouli and tabouli scent isn’t pleasant
What now? Holy cow — Don’t go into plow!
[fart]…Wow.
In an Iyengar class, you hold your pose
But apparently in this class, you hold your nose.
You make it hard to keep my heart chakra open,
Trustafarian troll, what? You’re shower broken?
Your poses like that ugly top are all out of sequins/sequence
Clearly, you only do Ashtanga on the weekends.
Then, there she goes, into camel pose,
But — (“but what?”) – no camel toes!!
Everyone knows there’s only one cause for that -
(“A maxi-pad?”) – now, roll up your mat.
Take your Tivas and your Guatemalan bag,
I guess you didn’t know you shouldn’t do inversions on the rag!

Chorus:

I’m a yoga bitch
See me sitting in lotus
I’m a yoga bitch
Yeah, try not to notice
My asana is causin’ a bit of a scene,
I’m a yoga bitch
Nah mean?

I’m a yoga bitch
Namaste
I’m a yoga bitch
Get outta my way
I’m trying to get to class and my ass is late
I’m a yoga bitch, bitch!
Don’t hate

Verse 2:
The stench was still lingering but less intense
So I lit a whole box…of incense.
I was halfway through suryanamascar B
With the oceanic sound of my ujayii
…It was like being in Mysore,
When in my dristi: Another eyesore!
Yoga dudes are confused if they think I wanna freak ‘em
You upset me when you sweat me like Bikram.
“Hey, don’t I recognize that chatturunga?
Did your hair used to be longer? And a little bit blonder?”
No. I’m pretty sure that wasn’t me.
“Well if you’re free would you like to meet for tea?”
Not really. Not if I have a choice.
Then I floss a vinyasa like Patabhi Jois.
“I’ve got a Groupon Coupon for a couples’ colonic – “
I don’t give a shit, so are you trying to be ironic?

Chorus

Verse 3:
This weanies hit more yoginis than [name of your local hot male yoga teacher here]
But hot as a hippy can be
Can he finance my yoga retreats in Tulum,
And put lines on the Noguchi table in my living room?
It’s a phenomenon. Where there is kirtan
There’s a dude with a soul patch who wants to get his flirt on.
He wants to read to you the Bhagavad Gita
Or Patanjali’s sutras, in anjalay mudra.
Eats half your food, and wants to split the check.
Next, he’ll want the Ganesh from off your neck.
You’re a sensitive man with the sense of a Sanskrit
Rock. Please shut up when I talk.
You think these feathers run cheap?
Your pockets better run deep.
I gotta look like Hiawatha when I do my hatha,
I’m a yoga bitch I get down for my crown [7th] chakra.

Chorus

…is that your karma? Nice…

Every hombre and muchacho knows, yoga bitches are the top notch hoes…

When I say om, you say shanti. Om, shanti, om, shanti

I’m a yoga bitch. I’m a yoga bitch. I’m a yoga bitch. Don’t hate.